I honestly think it's getting worse. How? How could it get worse? Elias's (or should I say "my") booty problem is not going away. It's not.
Here's a partial list of the strategies I've employed so far. Let me know if you can think of any others. I'll try it. I have nothing to lose.
- Yelling
- Ignoring
- time-outs and other consequences
- Reasoning, e.g. "bodies have private places, and you can't touch mommy butt…"
- Emotional inquiry, e.g. "are you touching mommy's butt because you love me? What are some other ways you can show that you love me?"
- Emotional inquiry part 2, e.g. "It's sort of hard to be a big boy sometimes, isn't it? Did you like being a cuddly baby and cuddling mommy all the time? But we can still cuddle now…"
- Redirection: "here's a sponge, will you help clean the kitchen?" (this one works longer and better than any other, but still wears off way too soon)
- Reverse psychology: "please touch my butt!" (did not have the desired effect, but maybe I didn't give it enough time seeing as I did not enjoy the ensuing fondling extravaganza.)
- Constantly slapping my hand behind my fanny as if slapping away a swarm of hornets, so as to smack the little hands that come into range. Difficult to chop shallots and such while doing this also.
- Donkey kicks behind me at random, to keep him off his guard.
- Having Daddy have a man-to-man talk about ladies and their parts.
- Begging.
- Outbursts of blind rage.
No. None of this works. My kitchen experience is like this: "Okay, bring sauce to a light simmer while stirring const– GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME–antly until smooth;" or "Let me see… where is my whisk… GET YOUR FACE OUT OF MY BUTT!" etc.
He has several maneuvers now– there's what I call "bongo drums," there's the horrible face-centric "motor boat" (I think face is worse than hands) and the most dreaded "pervert on the subway" (that's when he reaches UNDER and tickles!).
He also gloms onto me when I walk by. Like trying to accomplish something and he's standing on a stool, then as I walk by him his arms dart out like tentacles and entangle me, preventing my progress and making me feel thwarted and incredibly frustrated. I was struggling to get free from his grasp recently and he goes, in this weird kind of sleazy voice, "Don't fight the love…" (Apparently he learned this from Sponge Bob!)
My chestal regions, too, are not spared. When dressing him I sound like this, "Okay, one arm goes in the sleeve– DON'T TOUCH MY BREASTS!– and then the other arm — DON'T TOUCH MY BREASTS!– okay, now head through there– LEAVE MY BREASTS ALONE!!" etc.
It's very jarring.
I think what would be best is to somehow wear a scat-mat (for deterring cats) draped around me as a sort of suit of armor. Or just get Ben to make me a specially designed box suit. Or what about , what I really wish for, is some sort of thing like when the wicked witch on Wizard of Oz attempts to get the ruby slippers and lightning bolts come out and electrocute her hands. Wouldn't that be great, like some sort of automatic forcefield?
What does he do or say after all this lecturing? He listens earnestly and then four minutes later he's back at it. It's almost like he goes into a trace. He drools, his eyes roll up in his head, he sings his own made-up songs, and his hands go wild– boooty–booooty-boooooooty. He is somehow not in control of this. It's like an addiction. Does he need to get in touch with his higher power?
It has to be a phase, right? At some point, if nothing else, he'll grow and so my petoot won't be right at the wrong height anymore. (We definitely did NOT have this level of problem with Isaac.)
For a moment a few days ago it seemed that we had finally gotten through to him. I was walking up the stairs and he was, of course, as always, directly behind me. He said wistfully, "Mommy, I love your booty but I'm not going to touch it.!" Incredible self-control. I was all, "GOOD BOY! GOOD BOY!" like crazy, and hugged and kissed him no end. But soon it was all forgotten and he was up to his old tricks again. It seems that the bottom line, so to speak, is that my heiny is just plain irresistible. That is, he is literally UNABLE to resist it. Should I be flattered? Does he have a bright future in proctology? I don't know! But this is getting really tiresome.