The kids have developed an advanced form of Rock, Paper, Scissors, in which players can throw in their own inventions at will. This is why Elias and I were having a debate, the other day in a long grocery store line, as to whether Yoda would beat a Tsunami (no way!). Yoda, powerful Jedi master that he is, is also no match for a volcano or an earthquake. Obviously Volcano beats Scissors. Even Rake beats Scissors! Haymaker trounces paper, but haymaker versus rock? ?? I think a rock could actually do a little damage there, but maybe that’s just me.
But what beats them all? Even natural disasters? God. So I was throwing everything I could think of, Meteors, Comets, A-Bombs. Elias would just hit me with upturned eyes and hands in a prayer position every time: God. What beats God? This was beyond my extremely limited theological resources and in effect I just had to let him keep winning. In the meantime, it kept him from climbing on everything and running away while I was at the check-out line, so I guess in some sense I was the ultimate winner.
We went out to Minneapolis for spring break and came back. Great time had by all, lots of grandpas and grandmas, and best of all the ultimate cuddly plump little pumpkin, our new baby nephew Malcolm. He has very wise eyes and lots and lots of Michelin-man rolls of blubber. Really 100% perfect! We’re so happy he’s joined the family.
Before we left I went to see the Neurological God up in Cleveland. I told him all my troubles– the way I was doing great until I got sick around Christmas time, and then all went to hell in a handbasket, and since then I’ve been back on a slow boat to recovery. I begged him– BEGGED!!– that he would help me do the POTS study. He said no. The paperwork the Clinic puts him through is just too onerous. He asked me to ask the Cardiological Goddess. She’s more the POTS lady anyway, but so blatantly anti-exercise, I don’t know. And also I’m still pissed at her about the whole ordeal last spring. But maybe– maybe I’ll be desperate enough…
Anyway, he examined me and discussed the situation in really a lot of detail, then declared that I’ve been in a low-grade migraine for three months, and that this time the six-day course of prednisone did not put out the fire. “But,” he said, “if you throw a bucket of water on a fire and it doesn’t go out, do you then decide it’s not a fire?” Or, he went on, “if you have a burning field and you put out half of it and walk away, what’s gonna happen?” It will obvious start back up again.
I thought this was the point where he was going to say, “So now we’re going to bump up your Cymbalta from 40 to 60 mg.” But no– in fact he seems to view that as something of a last resort. Here’s what we would try first:
- Inject the back of my head with a mixture of Novocaine and steroids.
- Put me on IV medications on an out patient basis for three days, three hours each day.
- Inject the back of my head with Botox.
- And then, if all the above did not work, THEN we’d go to adjusting/adding/increasing meds.
He offered me a choice of 1. or 2. that day. I didn’t relish the thought of having a needle anywhere near my skull, but the IV thing sounded time-consuming if nothing else, whereas the needle-in-the-head thing sounded at least fast.
So, I agreed to it. He positioned me in a chair with my arms folded on the examining table. Then he wanted me to set my head in my arms. He swabbed up an area behind my left ear and then injected it, twice. Ouch!! The stuff was burny going in, and I was tapping my foot a little bit during it. “I hear tapping,” he observed. “That’s just my ‘it hurts’ tapping,” I said with a chuckle.
But it was fast, at least. I left the office with two half-walnut-sized lumps on the back of my head and a lot of soreness. The next day, very sore. And then it got better. The idea is that there’s a muscle there that’s inflamed, and that a nerve that runs through it is being squished and possibly causing a lot of my migraine problems. The neuro’s hope is that by taking the swelling down, the nerve will ease up, and all will start to improve. I was supposed to call him in two weeks with the report.
That was Wednesday and I didn’t call him. Why? Well, at the moment the whole thing is obscured by unrelated illness. I have the racking cough/death rattle thing, and I’ve diagnosed myself with laryngitis. Yesterday I actually really needed to yell at Elias to stop him from running towards traffic and I found that even then, I really truly didn’t have a voice. (Luckily he had enough sense to stop well before it was dangerous.)It didn’t help that, sick though I was, Europe Night was upon us!
This big event in Isaac’s class entailed lots of running around for me. Isaac was presenting on the Netherlands. Our attempt at building a model of one of Theo Jansen’s incredible Strandbeests did not work out due to many obvious technical difficulties. But over break Grandpa Max and Uncle John managed to put together a very respectable K’Nex windmill. With great effort, I resuscitated a long-dead printer and printed up many nice pictures of the Dutch life and times for Isaac’s display. Bought doughnuts (the Dutch invented them!), put together a selection of Dutch cheese (Ben had gotten them for a blind taste test earlier in the week), and generally ran around crazily all day. For the event itself, we did manage to get a DVD of Theo Jansen’s mad genius work playing (despite the computer having been dropped en route and being a little off its feed there for a while), which drew a crowd in the end.
The highlight of the evening though was Isaac’s brilliant portrayal of “Nobleman Number 2” in the class play. He sported a skin wig, eye patch, fat belly, cape, sparkly vest, and outrageous quasi-French accent. He and his little friends had the parents all laughing hysterically at the intentional and unintentional humor of it. We had a lovely time, but didn’t get home until nearly 10:00, and the next morning my voice was pretty near gone.
Today we’re all home. Isaac’s eyes are swollen and he has a bad cough but seems in good enough spirits. I think I’m the sickest of the lot. Why is it– I wonder– that when the kids are sick I take care of them, and when I’m sick… I take care of them! I need a nursemaid, big time.
Vince’s office hasn’t seen me in two weeks and today they called to check up on me and find out what was going on– this after we agreed I would be coming in twice a week for the next month or two. …
Oh well!! Circumstances beyond my control.
Spring is slowly, slowly starting to spring. The croci are up– now I’m looking for daffodils and those first precocious magnolias, the ones that burst into bloom before they have leaves.
Copyright secured by Digiprove © 2011 Catherine Park
2 Responses to Rock, paper, scissors, God